A woman's much awaited dream dispite my mental health issues

Sharon Neil Start Date: Nov 11, 2020 - End Date: May 10, 2021
  • Madrid, Spain

My Travel Story

by: Sharon Neil Start Date: Nov 11, 2020 - End Date: May 10, 2021
Hi, my name is Sharon. Firstly I'd like to let who's ever reading this story, know that I'm not looking for sympathy, or for people to feel sorry for me, I just wanted to be honest and genuine in the hope that I'll get the same in return. I've struggled with my mental health since I was a young teenager at home with my parents.i was a middle child and was treated differently from my sister's and was blamed for the majority of incidents that occurred in my household.i left home at 15 and never looked back.Sadly, this has followed me my whole life, hence my nickname "Madshaz". Now I thought this title was a fair one as I did seem to be "different" from other people I had in my life or from what I could make out anyway. I started going to my doctor's at the age of 21 after I'd had my first child and had narrowly escaped a violent and tormented marriage that lasted 3n a half years, whr I was hospitalised on numoures occasions. I used to dream of being on the stage or on tv, as an escape from my living nitemare of a Life, I'd waged the whole of high school and only attended drama, p.e. and French classes, as these were my favourite, and I just knew that 1 day it'd come true. As a result of my failed marriage my son was 18 months old, but because I couldn't look after myself never mind a baby and I agreed for him to live with his grandparents for the time being with access on a weekly basis. There's only one term I can use to discribe my state of mind at the time and that is "I lost the plot"!! I was angry at the world, at my husband, childhood friend, BEST FRIEND, he was all these, he was my world, and he terrorised, tormented and abused me. My doctor tried me on different medication, many different 1s many times. I was constantly fobbed off with a diagnosis of "anxiety and deppression!! I tried telling him I'd suffered from these feelings my whole life but he never listened. I started experimenting in drugs to try and "numd" the pain, thoughts, feelings and nightmares, and it worked for a while or while I was high at least, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right with me. I needed to bring happiness into my life to escape this hell so I signed up for a performing arts course in my town, and even though I was more than 10 yrs older than the eldest person on it, which made me feel a little uncomphatable,  I still enjoyed every minute of it. When the written work came around I struggled, I couldn't concentrate on it, physical activities I can cope with for hours on end, the minute I have to fit still, concentrate and Wright n research my mind would go elsewhere, I started using again and after the following term I was that far behind I had to leave. Depression kicked in again and my drug use was out of control, I kept attending the doctor's trying to get them to listen to me, nothing!! Fobbed off again!! A few years later, social services, who were constantly on my back because I'd had another child and my first child came home to live with me too aged 8. I felt like they just wanted to take my kids from me, and they set goals for me to do so j could keep them home with me. One of these goals I chose was to enroll in another performing arts course in the next town, I was so so excited, u had a second chance to complete it, to be happy, to escape. The course and the students were all amazing, I'd stopped taking the drugs, found a new house, everything was looking up and falling into place. I was happy finally. The feeling I got being on the stage with my family and friends watching my performances is unlike ANY other feeling I've EVER had, better than any high! That's my drug, that's what makes me feel alive. I was in love. Then just over half way through my course, the social worker didn't like the hours u was away from home and told me j had to leave!!! Devastated, is an understatement! How could they! I had no choice, it was my kids of the course. Doctor's were just useless, anti depressants, counciling which was waste of time with a non professional woman to talk too. Over the next 4 years nothing changed, apart from me feeling that I'd never find out what is wrong with me, being constantly told what to do from social services and fobbed off by doctors, an incident accured with my youngest son and he was taken from me and put into care and my eldest son was happier living back at his grandparents. I was alone, unhappy, taking anti-depressants I new wasn't working n only took them as they had a sedative in them so helped me sleep, which I needed cos my mind doesn't switch off, it's like my mind and my body's going 110 miles an hour 24/7. I'd given up on trying to fulfill my life long dream of acting as I was in my 30s by this time. I'm now 44, and the last 14 years have been really hard, I dabbled in drugs again trying to escape and numb myself. I've finally realised that none of that helps, I just feel worse when I come down so I've left all that behind. My doctor's still fobbed me off and mental health services just refer u here n there just to tell u the same old story over n over again. Then finally, a year and a half ago I had a breakdown, and I was sectioned into an psychiatric hospital where I was assessed. After spending time there I had my assesment appointmentt with the psychologist and doctors, and they told me I was suffering from "adult ADHD", and personality disorders, at least 2 but could be upto 4 p.d.'s. and I was released to get outpatient services to help me with these, they told me if I'd been properly assessed and diagnosed when I was younger that I'd be a total different person!!! And that I've used drugs to try and deal with my condition! I left that hospital happier than I'd been in over 20years, finally I new what was wrong with me. I've been put on the proper medication and still receiving help atm. Now, I've told all this to u so u no who I am n what I'm about. I'm a very loving and caring woman and I love to help ppl, I get a buzz of seeing peopled faces when they receive my help. And I love the way that makes me feel. I want to volunteer to help others all over the world and I want to live my life long dream of going on stage. I can't afford to pay for the courses so I'm asking you to help me fund them both. The theatre course in Madrid and the volunteer one in Same place, I've spent alot of time back and forth to Madrid staying with relatives who sadly moved back to England so I need this funding to finally do what my heart is longing for, but that I'll never do unless I get the help and funds to live it. I'd be eternally grateful and appreciative for anyone who helps me in any way they can. Thank u and God bless xx
  • Madrid, Spain

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