Please help me escape from my past and start the life

Saya Nagase Start Date: May 15, 2022 - End Date: May 14, 2023

My Travel Story

by: Saya Nagase Start Date: May 15, 2022 - End Date: May 14, 2023
Please help me. I want to start my life. I came to US when I was in 6th grade. The life from then was horrible. I was blamed of my English everyday from few teachers, and my friend group suddenly started to ignore me. My mom, who took me to US had the fiance, and she told me about him at the airport to US. He was there beside my mom. In Japan, I lived with my dad, and I met with my mom probably once a year. I was shocked when my mom told me that I will live with her fiance, but I decided to go to US because I had such a stressful life in Japan that my dad was repressive. When I was in Japan, my stomach was painful by stress, and I believed that I would have better life in US. I could've stayed in Japan and lived with my dad, but that's why I decided to go to US. I regretted this decision for 5 years. My mom and my stepfather started to quarrel all the times. Then they started to involve I, my sister, and my step brother into the quarrel. I always wanted to go back to Japan. I dreamed what would've been my life if I've stayed in Japan. I started to become depressed, and I couldn't do anything. I always slept or played online game where I could talk to players with Japanese. I didn't even play the game. I just wanted to talk Japanese. At that time, I was very scared of English. Everything of US made me scared and disgusting. I started to hate myself of how I can't do any productive things. I used to be good at study in Japan, but I was starting to be bad at it. I became more and more depressed. I remembered the days in Japan. When my stomach hurt by stress, I went to see the school nurse, and she really cared about me. I only knew the school nurse for my stress relief. But it was just different in US. So now, I didn't know who or where to talk and how to deal with my circumstances. 2 years later, my mom divorced in very violent way. We sometimes went to homeless shelter and stranger's house. My mom was depressed. She always accused me and my sister for divorce. At the same time, I transfered school. The school was similar to Japan. It was charter school and they had uniform. I believed in somewhere that this school is Japan. I finally can take back the life in Japan. What I should've been if I lived in Japan. If I didn't make wrong choice. I got out of ESL because if I lived in Japan, I would be taken standard Japanese class. It means I have to take standard English class. I studied hard. But standard class was hard. Even most English native kids took B or C. But I only took A in Japan, so I would take all A if I lived in Japan. I have to take all A. A in English too. But it was fun. The school was fun. Finally. But I didn't have time to sleep. And even though it was very fun for me, my body couldn't bear it anymore. I was just not capable of being "a normal Japanese student" anymore. I couldn't wake up. I was sleeping in the class. It was more difficult to concentrate and memorize things. So I shortened sleeping time. Then I had much worse brain. And I realized I can't change the past. I can't have the future in Japan. I lost hope. At that time, covid came, school is closed, and I lost the time in school. At home, there were my mom, depressed, and we quarrel, and I was depressed. I was so depressed. I did my hardest work. I researched and found the school that was similar to Japan. I begged my mom to transfer school. I quarreled with her a lot, and I changed school. But it all fell apart. I thought I have to go back to Japan. But I was still in middle school, so I couldn't live by myself. And two years has passed. I am 10th grade now. I am still confused. I don't know how to fix the mistake. It had been too different from my ideal, the life I should've had if I was in Japan. I am already 10th grade, and my five years of life is not right. At least once a day, the word, Japan, just huck up my brain. I don't know what to do. I just can't admit that this 5 years are really my life. But I started to feel like I have to change this circumstance. In art project, I drew my elementary school. I used google map to see the school, and I was shocked. The scenic were so nostalgic. My elementary school was dismantled, and there were only a ground that slightly remain the shape of my school. Then, I just felt like I have to change. So I want to go to Japan. I want to go to my hometown. I have to be freed from it. So I want to see it again. I have to start my new life. I
made my passport. I started to study for driving license so that I can drive for work and get money. But I want to go to Japan and be freed immediately. So I want to ask for my travel expense here. You might've thought the expense is too high. It is because I want to take my sister too. If she wasn't with me, I think I was dead. So please help me. Thank you for reading this long. I didn't have ability to shorten the text and fully explain my feeling. Again, thank you very much.